my birth experience - part one

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. It took me a while to jot down in here. it's the trauma i think. Finally, alhamdulillah lil sarah ibtisam was born on 9th oct 2013 through lscs (far beyond my expectation - of course lah kan semua org bercita-cita nak bersalin svd). gentle birth? not so gentle i guessed. haha. 'ala kulli hal, alhamdulillah. 

The drama
So it all begins when i reached my edd on 1st oct. Abang n i went to klinik desa n showed the scan film we had last weekend. Efw showed the baby is 3.8kg! (i cried after having the scan, scared that the birth process wont be so easy for macrosomic baby. Feeling guilty as well, thinking what have i done that the baby had grown so big! I even felt like blaming people around me that keep on saying "takpe, makan je", when i have doubt to entertain my cravings during the last stage of my pregnancy. Huhu. Btw, i only gained 9 kg throughout this pregnancy). 

Ok, now back to klinik desa, the nurse then asked abang n i to go straight to klinik kesihatan. So we went there and another scan - 3.6 kg, the doc referred us to hospital serdang. Packed some food, abang n i went to hospital serdang. Another scan, 3.4kg and she repeated, it was 3.5kg. The specialist there suggested for induction afraid that the bby will grow bigger. So, we have to come again tomorrow as there was no empty beds (padah hospital sistem komputer-they cant accept more patients when the beds are fulled).

Hospital Kajang
The next day, with very much positivity, abang and i went to hospital serdang. I googled about iol, and people said that it's far more painful than normal labor. I waited and waited but the doctor said there is no empty bed. I felt so terrible watching women managing their contraction pain at the plastic chair waiting for empty beds at the labor room. "Ada hikmahnya aku tak bersalin lagi," that's how i felt. I asked the doctor to refer me to hospital kajang. At least, my aunt, cik normah is there. Refused to go there with ambulance, i signed the aor (at own risk) doc, and went to hospital kajang with abang. Another scan done, it shows 3.3-3.4 kg, even VE was done and obviously the os was fully closed. The doc suggested that i waited for another one week and come again next week on 7th oct if i havent delivered yet. Seriously? however, i'm happy enough to go back home and enjoy another week leisurely at home.

But little sarah just love to stay in there. Too comfy i guessed! Bloated with too much air jampi n doing all the tips they gave me to hasten the birth (makan sirih la, air zam zam, squatting, n even walking til the hideous elephant's leg showed up; just name it. I've tried it all). The last day before the awaited day, abang n i went to see mbah som (my grandma who is also a former tukang urut). Mbah said, "senget ni. Tak masuk betul lagi". Oh my! So the next day, i went straight to hospital kajang. Emotionless! (penat kot asik ulang alik hospital), n straight away being warded. Too bad abang couldn't stay with me n i can only be with him during visiting hours.

Finally IOL
The first prostin was inserted at 6 am after i had my subuh prayer. Lying on the bed for 1 hour, then only i can move around. At 10 am, abang arrived n still no sign of giving birth. Even when my parents in law came at noon, i can still senyum-senyum kambing. Then the second dose of prostin was inserted at 2pm. During asar, i started to feel the pain. Macam lenguh-lenguh manja senggugut gitu. Had another VE at 7pm and the doc said the os was still closed. I cried (bukan sebab sakit tapi sebab doc kata tak buka langsung, walhal sebenarnya dah buka 1 cm). 

I called abang during isya' crying over the intense pain i felt. Then, finally the 'show'. The contraction was then started. At 10 pm it's already 3 in 10. I told the nurse and ve showed 3 cm. Alhamdulillah. Ada jugak progress. Then, cik normah, mak n k la arrived. It must be abang who told them that i cried, Cik normah accompanied me through the whole painful night ever- bearing with the pain that became more and more severe til the next morning. (abang too was there, except that he stayed outside, sleeping in the car, and peeked through the window of my room from time to time. Pathetic isn't it?). given one shot of pethidine that night; cik normah suggested that so i can sleep and rest a bit before going to the labour room the next morning.

LR
took some dates and bread while bearing with the pain before i was sent to LR. the pain. let me tell you. orang kata sakit kena induce lagi teruk dari bersalin biasa. it's true (walaupun tak pernah bersalin. lol). very true. 11 am, it was only 4cm. and during noon, they started to start the  pitocin to trigger the contraction. "CTG tak cantik and tak banyak progress", said the MO. i kept on asking, "perlu ke?", knowing that the pain will be worst after that. and i was right. they changed my sarung 3 times as blood oozing out each time i felt the contraction. *even abang later said that memang bau hanyir when he entered the room*. by 5pm, the specialist came. VE done twice i guessed. 5 to 6 cm around that. an hour was given to me, to give another chance for me to have normal delivery. but there was still no progress after that. pasrah, redho, i underwent lscs. 

OT
the nurse forgot to give me premed before i was sent to OT. to make it worse, there was pitocin running down my IV drip when i was sent to OT. contraction all the way till i struggled to stay still when they gave me epidural. nangis2 sambil cakap, "macam mana saya nak duduk diam, tengah contraction ni". 'ala kulli hal, i felt much serene in the OT. cik normah was also there. even the doc recited basmalah, selawat, which made me felt relieved. "Uwek!!!" i heard sarah cries for the first time. alhamdulillah. that's all i can say. they showed me sarah, and asked me the gender. "baby girl. assalamualaikum sayang" and i kissed her cheek.

to be continued...

Ramdhan kareem!

ramadhan kareem!

it's already the last phase of ramadhan. so does my pregnancy. i had went through 31 weeks and approximately for about one month to go. owh, pantasnya masa berlalu.

this ramadhan is far more challenging than any other ramadhan i've experienced so far. each day is a 'jihad' against lethargy and refraining myself from breaking the fast due to the extreme thirst. yes, Islam allows pregnant women to break their fast for some circumstances that may harm the baby or the mother, but like abang said: tapi Allah tak kata wanita mengandung haram berpuasa (macam orang yang datang haid), jadi mesti Allah akan beri kekuatan juga pada ibu-ibu yang mengandung untuk berpuasa. thus, alhamdulillah, 23 days had passed and striving to make the most of the last phase of ramadhan and aiming for puasa penuh this year. Allahumma ameen! ^_^(and another joy after being able to influence the doctor during my antenatal checkup to cancel the MGTT test. weee, takyah minum air gula lagi. hehe) 

owh, and this is my first ramadhan as a wife and mum-to-be. alhamdulillah. abang has been a very nice husband that will always strive his best untuk menjaga ibadah si isteri. sanggup tunggu si isteri makan sampai kenyang baru solat maghrib instead of having a light iftar and solat afterwards (sebab kalau makan lewat nanti bloated sangat time isya' and terawikh). sanggup tunggu si isteri terkedek-kedek mandi after maghrib and jalan slow motion masa pergi surau untuk terawikh sampaikan masbuq almost everyday. hihi.  what else can a wife ask for other than seorang suami yang berusaha menjaga amal ibadat isterinya? Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. 

baby pun suka dengar walid dia baca al-Quran. i purposely slow down my voice whenever i read the Quran and let the baby hear the walid's voice. extreme pleasure bila tengok perut bergolak-golak kencang (i.e. the baby moves), whenever abang or i read the Quran. alhamdulillah.

ok. that's it. i jotted all these so that one day i can look back and remember how great my ramadhan experience when i was pregnant. plus, kalau gaduh2 manja dengan abang, i can look back and remember all his kindness that i can never be able to repay. doakan semoga diri ini menjadi isteri solehah dan ibu mithali. Allahumma ameen.

till then. wish awal sikit. eidul mubarak!

baby bump!

bismillahirahmanirrahim.

ummi to be!

it has been a while. alhamdulillah, i am now halfway through the pregnancy - 21 weeks. the past 5 months experience was a bitter sweet experience. relapsing fever and cough, nauseous, dizziness, mood swings (pity my abang has to bear with this. hehe), unstoppable cravings for tomyam and sooooooooo many more. and i am more cunning to give excuses to almost everything. the most common excuses: "dulu tak macam ni pun, time mengandung je." hehehehe. ála kulli hal, alhamdulillah. i felt the first kicking 2 days ago, after days of complaining not to feel any movement. suddenly, this wonderful, tiny little creature in my womb gave the signal; as if saying - "i'm ok, ummi!". during the first kick, i was like, "betul ke ni?" then my baby gave a hetric kicking signalling to the ummi, "betullah tu". so ecstatic! ^_^

our dearest baby at 13 weeks
ummi n walid love u so much. hang in there, honeychild!

craving nak buat jigsaw puzzle walhal thesis tak siap lg. hehe. 

diligently struggle to finish it up in 3 days. ^_^

sweet 27th

humbly on my birthday, nak mintak semua tolong doakan. doakan supaya khamisah binti hj saleh huddin, jadi wanita solehah yang taat pada perintah Allah, Rasul, suami, ibubapa n jadi penyejuk mata pada insan di sekelilingnya. i am blessed to have a caring n loving husband beside me n wonderful family members and friends around. Alhamdulillah. thank you Allah. thank you everyone, whoever you are that has contributed to make me grow as who i am today. May Allah bless us all.

p/s: doakan my thesis yg tertangguh itu. semoga diberi kekuatan n semangat to settle everything up before bersalin. Allahumma ameen.

Tying the knot

salam jumuáh to all!

Alhamdulillah wa thumma alhamdulillah. it's no longer a secret. Through His infinite grace, i am now a wife. the great joys of marriage however drag great responsibilities with it. I'm scared. I really do. afraid that i couldn't fulfilled the amanah that comes along with this new status. dear all, please pray for us, so that the marriage shall be blessed by Him.

i'm back
it has been a while. abang said last night when we watched julie & julia, "dah lama dah blog bintu-soleh tu tak bergerak". (owh, btw. i just figured out that abang was used to be the silent follower for this blog. Oh my! looking back on the ridiculous things i wrote, i bet that i wouldn't post anything if i know it in the first place. huhu).

i really have to sort things out and plan for everything properly. the tense will never stop i guess. after two disastrous months at the office and getting ready for the weddings, now i have to learn juggling the responsibilities as a housewife and my thesis (palpitations whenever the word thesis comes out. huhu). nevertheless, saya bersyukur, tenang dan bahagia (prof muhaya teaches this mantra to deal with stress).

mucho gracias
we (abang and i) sincerely thank our family members, friends and all that had been working sooooo hard for our weddings. we truly grateful for all the dua', wishes and lovely wedding gifts given by all. Jazakumullahu khairan katheera.

my other half
*abang, i know you are reading this.* he is now my ticket to jannah. i promise to myself that i will struggle to bring out the best in me and love him the most, next to Allah and Rasul. i love him. i really do. from the moment he said "aku terima nikahnya", i choose to truly love him, with kindness, faithfulness and respect; through every circumstance that life may bring.

please pray that i can finish up my thesis soon enough. have been stuck in this phase for too long i guess. till then, have a pleasant and blessed life, everyone! ^_^

p/s: jumaat pertama di bulan kelahiran Nabi Muhammad saw. jom hidupkan Sunnah! 

Free me

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” 
― Rumi

jumble kind of feelings.

insecurity has simply led me to live in this world full of cruelty and selfishness.

living with such doubts and fearfulness to the uncertainties invites more bad thoughts to come. how i wish it can be easily washed away.

i begin to feel like i'm losing control of my life. the question like 'who's actually in charge of my life?' popped out. and the fact that i'm working so hard to live up to people's expectation is a no-no solution to this issue.

i'm going to put all these into an end. 

and i'm going to do that by doing the hardest part of it all - FORGIVE myself.

please pray for me. whoever you are that happen to read this. 

a nanny's diary

irdina aishah - my first niece! was appointed as aishah's babysitter bermula selepas 2 minggu kelahiran si comel ini. yes, aishah masih merah, kecil, 'fragile' and because of that abgman dan k dibah tak berani lagi nak hantar aishah ke taska (as if aku pandai sangat jaga baby - cuak sangat. note: aishah jenis cepat tersedak bila minum susu). harini genap 22 hari aku jadi babysitter aishah. penat? haruslah. tapi worth it rasanya experience ni. 


feeding
aishah sangat kuat minum susu. baru 14 days, dah minum lebih 3 oz for each feeding (nanti nak share cara2 handle EBM (expressed breast milk) untuk babysitter yang amatur, like me). orang kata baby 2 weeks minum around 10 oz kat taska (8am- 5pm, waktu pejabat), tapi aishah pukul 12 noon, dah sampai 7 oz. siap kena request kat k dibah packing susu 3 oz, sebab 2 oz memang tak cukup, sampai kena lari2 mak (means lari laju) sebab aishah suka meraung vol 10 kalau tak cukup susu.


my wish
nak hafal more quranic verses (sangat jeles pada hafizah2 yang boleh bacakan ayat2 suci alQuran yang indah bila2 je kat anak diorang). kenapa kita kena lazimkan baca alQuran, zikir2, selawat, etc? sebab semua ni akan jadi habit kita. masa susukan baby, masa 'burp'kan baby, masa mandi, pakai baju, dodoi nak tidur, semua pun ibadah dan boleh tambah extra kredit kalau si ibu boleh bacakan ayat2 alQuran, selawat2, zikir, etc, pada si anak. so, waktu ni tak sempat dah nak fikir zikir mana best, selawat mana yg sesuai, ayat mana yang nak dibaca. semuanya spontan, automatik keluar ikut apa yang selalu kita amalkan. kurang amalkan zikir, kuranglah zikir yang terlintas kat hati dan pemikiran. anda belum berkahwin? jangan risau, Allah nak beri masa extra untuk siapkan diri upgrade all these things (trust me: nanti dah beranak-pinak, nak solat fardhu pun terkejar2). yang penting niatkan bukan sebab nak amalkan waktu susukan anak sahaja, tapi nak pastikan semua ni sebati dalam jasad dan rohani kita. supaya mengalir dalam setiap sel yang wujud dalam diri ini. insyaAllah.


ibu muda beranak 4
4 orang anak buah, semua dah merasa 'dijaga' ciyam. kebetulan last week, 7 hari, non-stop jaga those kiddos -yusuf, yasir, umar n aishah-. tak perasan, sampai mak yang tegur "wah, sampai tujuh hari jadi babysitter". my bad - having problem of saying no! anyhow, love those adorable kiddos very much! ciyam doakan semua membesar jadi insan beriman, soleh lagi musleh. hugs n kisses!

ever after: a bersih 3.0 story

alhamdulillah. i was there. completing the third chapter of my bersih story. so grateful that i was able to get involve in another epic of malaysian history. not having so many polices around had eased our journey to CM. ambiga was there to lead the crowd to dataran merdeka. i had a nice stroll at petaling street before that, watched floods of chinese people gathered with such enthusiasm, shared a packet of biscuits that i brought with a chinese elderly and had a quick photography session there. F and i bought yellow towels and even a mysterious guy handed me a yellow ribbon before he suddenly disappeared.

after zuhur prayer, we then marched towards dataran merdeka. the only challenges during that time was the extremely hot weather.  we couldn't go any more further because jalan tun perak had already been crammed with people. it was in fact a very peaceful and calm rally. the demonstrators had really "Duduk & Bantah", acted CIVILIZED enough (so far from what they called as 'monyet kena belacan').  one chinese man then shouted, "ambiga had announced that bersih 3.0 was successful. now everyone can peacefully disperse". so, we headed backwards, walking towards CM LRT station, before we bumped into mat sabu's crowd in front of maybank building. it was about to end, then i whiffed the tear gas. i ran but slowed down to look for F, my demo-mate. i heard she cried, "humm, pedih, pedih". i just put some salt into her mouth when she couldn't find hers and asked her to cover her nose and mouth with the wet towel, and grabbed her hand and continued to run. 


merciless!
i understand if the polices wanted to use teargas to disperse the crowd that was said to breach the dataran merdeka area (i was not anywhere near the provocation area, so i dare not to comment anything about it). but why on earth did they send the gas to jalan tun perak and others that the crowd had already on their way to disperse peacefully? shots after shots of teargas were bombarded to the people. despite all the chaotic things that occur, it was indeed a happy day - more like a carnival for the attendees. there will always be angels in disguise throughout the rally, sharing salts, water, handkerchiefs, and even consoled each other regardless of their races, ages and religions. 1 Malaysia? yes we are!


frustration
the mainstream media had never portrayed Bersih fairly. did they even interview any of the participants to hear their thoughts? none. and it seems so difficult to speak in an intelligent manner about this, because those who rule are not intelligent enough and too stroppy in dealing with this situation. plus, their premise stating that the participants support ambiga's LGBT movement is  so ridiculous. how did actually a rally that seek for an electoral reform had turned into a demonstration calling for LGBT rights?

i never wish to witness any violence nor riots, and i believe everyone wish the same. none of us happily and willingly attended the rally just to provoke the polices to let us inhale those teargas or to rain us with water canon; and thus making them look bad and let us be the heroes. can't they simply understand all that we want is a clean and fair election? not more or less. i still can't understand the fact of us being blamed and offended for asking this basic humanity rights. ~sigh~