Friday, October 21, 2016

I wonder...

When abang is not around...

It's super duper exhausting. I tried to do stuffs that used to make me happy and content; but it doesn't work like it used to.

When baking in hustle and handling your active toddler and super clingy baby, then it is no longer enjoyable. As you finally have a dish, it is more towards a RELIEF actually.

When reading a book while nursing, then your toddler came and snatched the book and asked you to read her another book, then reading is no longer enjoyable. Your curiosity of what happened in the end of the book will slowly and finally fade away.

Then, i found out the only thing that i ever  need is a beauty sleep. Hahaha. Not baking nor reading. And then i realize that i will never get those beauty sleeps! Not when these kids are around. Huhu. How i envy abang when he went for outstations.

The guilt then slowly approaching me. I should be thankful to feel such exhaustion, as a remark that i am blessed with a great husband and two lovely kids that i have to deal with. Alhamdulillah for these blessings.

But please allow me to whine. I just think that i need to ventilate my feelings. Sometimes it's just too suffocating. I don't think sharing all these through fb, or any other current social media would help. I just cannot handle the judgements, harsh comments and all other evil thoughts and mouth.

I have been bothered by the thought of whether or not i have become a good being so far. Am i a good wife? Am i a good mom? Did i perform well as an 'abd? Did my solah being accepted (i doubt if i ever reach that khusyu' when adam cried, or sarah teased her brother or even pulled my telekung when i am alone with them)?  Am i prepared to face death? What kind of kindness or any kind of 'amal jariah have i done? Am i just a grumpy wife who nags most of the time and easily feel lethargic? Am i sinful for sometimes failed to control my temper to my kids?

For all these thoughts, i feel quite depressed and unsure how to define myself. Am i feeling contented? Am i happy? What is happiness?

Hmmm. And that is why i took a long time to write any post lately. This aint a postive post. Huhu. Whoever that came accross to read this, please pray that khamisah will feel more content and serene insyaAllah.