Friday, October 21, 2016

I wonder...

When abang is not around...

It's super duper exhausting. I tried to do stuffs that used to make me happy and content; but it doesn't work like it used to.

When baking in hustle and handling your active toddler and super clingy baby, then it is no longer enjoyable. As you finally have a dish, it is more towards a RELIEF actually.

When reading a book while nursing, then your toddler came and snatched the book and asked you to read her another book, then reading is no longer enjoyable. Your curiosity of what happened in the end of the book will slowly and finally fade away.

Then, i found out the only thing that i ever  need is a beauty sleep. Hahaha. Not baking nor reading. And then i realize that i will never get those beauty sleeps! Not when these kids are around. Huhu. How i envy abang when he went for outstations.

The guilt then slowly approaching me. I should be thankful to feel such exhaustion, as a remark that i am blessed with a great husband and two lovely kids that i have to deal with. Alhamdulillah for these blessings.

But please allow me to whine. I just think that i need to ventilate my feelings. Sometimes it's just too suffocating. I don't think sharing all these through fb, or any other current social media would help. I just cannot handle the judgements, harsh comments and all other evil thoughts and mouth.

I have been bothered by the thought of whether or not i have become a good being so far. Am i a good wife? Am i a good mom? Did i perform well as an 'abd? Did my solah being accepted (i doubt if i ever reach that khusyu' when adam cried, or sarah teased her brother or even pulled my telekung when i am alone with them)?  Am i prepared to face death? What kind of kindness or any kind of 'amal jariah have i done? Am i just a grumpy wife who nags most of the time and easily feel lethargic? Am i sinful for sometimes failed to control my temper to my kids?

For all these thoughts, i feel quite depressed and unsure how to define myself. Am i feeling contented? Am i happy? What is happiness?

Hmmm. And that is why i took a long time to write any post lately. This aint a postive post. Huhu. Whoever that came accross to read this, please pray that khamisah will feel more content and serene insyaAllah.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Potty training_sarah ibtisam

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim....

So here i am again. Feeling the urge to write so that i won't forget. Alhamdulillah, sarah dah berjaya di potty trained! After googling here and there to find some tips, solat hajat khas mohon supaya Allah mudahkan (yes, ummi was too nervous to begin!), alhamdulillah she did it! And amazingly, it was a great success, i.e. zero 'accident' on the first day! Bravo, kakak sarah!

What did i do?

1. Simpan semua karpet@ tikar
Masa ni tengah viral pasal tikar racun (tikar rm10 yang banyak jual kat nilai 3), so terbatal lah niat nak guna tikar tu as alas masa sarah main. Guna alas cadar patchwork je sebab kesian pulak lantai sejuk.

2. Stress free (mom & child)
Sangatlah penting. Banyak kali pending and defer nak start, esp bila sarah tak berapa sihat or adam pun tak sihat or aku sendiri yang kepenatan atau tak sihat. So, it took a while to find that 'right time'. Sarah siap protes kencing terabur masa dia tengah jiwa kacau sebelum bersalinkan adam. So, i decided to stop because she was just not ready. I started again when adam was about 2 months old. 'Accidents' do happen. Sebab tu kena ensure tak stress atau letih yang teramat supaya boleh lap kencing anak dengan perasaan redha sambil tersenyum.

3. Timing and constant reminder
Tak berhenti remind sarah, "kalau sarah nak kencing atau berak cakap ya". Awal tu, aku timing sarah ke toilet sejam sekali. Eg, kalau dia minum susu/air pukul 10am, pukul 11am ajak dia g toilet untuk kencing. Tak berjaya, so di extend ke dua jam. Depends. Kalau cuaca sejuk, hari hujan, maybe less than that. Bab timing ni depends pada bladder anak. Some boleh tahan kencing lama, some tak berapa boleh nak tahan lama. So, as a start, boleh cuba 30 min, or 45min sekali.

4. Underwear
Sehari sebelum start, aku ajak abang bawak sarah pergi shopping panties dia. Biar dia pilih sendiri. Bagi options and we let her made the decision. Tak perlu yang mahal pun. Kat giant boleh dapat rm10 for 3 pieces yang cantik dan kain sedap. Kenapa kena pakai panties, sebab anak akan mudah geli bila tak pakai diaper. So bila geli tu asyik nak terkencing je rasa.

5. Positive reinforcemnt
Buat satu chart (macam gambar di bawah). Buat column ikut hari dalam seminggu. Tampal kat fridge. Beli sticker cantik (in my case, sarah suka anything pinky, yang heart shaped). I told her, "kalau sarah berjaya kencing atau berak kat toilet, sarah boleh tampal satu sticker ni kat chart sarah ni." Setiap kali lepas dia 'berjaya', dia pilih sendiri sticker yg mana, and dia tampal.

6. Toilet cover for children and stool (kerusi bukan tahi. Hehe)
Kalau guna toilet duduk. Toilet cangkung tak perlu. Awal2 tu gigih juga nak angkat sarah duduk atas toilet, tapi dengan adam lagi, abang pun belikan stool. Dia naik sendiri lepas tu, kami tolong buka pintu toilet je.

7. Nap/sleep time
Masa sarah tidur siang, dia tak pakai diaper. Just ensure dia kencing dulu sebelum tidur. Kalau tak sempat bawak dia dah tidur, alas siap2 tempat dia tidur. Awal2 nak train, sarah siap terkencing masa nap. Dia bangun tu dia nangis, maybe sebab kecewa tak 'berjaya'. Huhu. Lama2 dia pandai dah control kencing. Siap bangun mamai2 nangis, so ummi boleh detect dia nak ke toilet n cepat2 tolong bawak dia. Malam still pakai diaper (alasan: sebab tak beli lagi bedsheet yang waterproof. Haha), tapi biasanya bangun pagi kering je diaper dia.

8. Solat hajat.
Huhu. Ummi siap solat hajat tau. Doa je pun takpe. Tapi sebab ummi was wayyyyy too nervous, solatlah mohon pada Allah semoga dipermudahkan. Kalau harap pada kudrat and strategi sahaja, i don't think i can manage. Allah is indeed The One that make it easy and smooth, and i am very thankful for that.

It was a wonderful experience. Tak tahu nak explain the satisfaction i felt. Rasa macam menang pingat emas olimpik setiap kali dia 'berjaya' (yes, ummi memang over! Haha). Thank you sarah for your cooperation! ❤

Friday, July 22, 2016

Eidul fitri 2016

Eid mubarak to all. It doesn't feel like raya at all for me. Still berpantang kan? Nevertheless, i gobbled up most of the kuih raya and did some food testing to the rendangs (seketul ayam kira sikit kan? Lol). Wore my all time favourite grey baju kurung (no new baju for this year, just a recycled one), did some photoshoot after abang and sarah came back from the mosque and then stayed most of the time in the room to nurse adam.

PARANOID
Reading to the current vaccination issues has made me become one paranoid mother. Of course i do! It was so devastating to go back and forth to the nicu right after the delivery and the last thing i ever wanted was to spend my confinement period at the nicu again. I got too scared to let adam being exposed to people. He stayed in the room when large groups of people came during the eid. I also hastened when abang decided to go back to kedah this coming august (those diphteria cases are very intimidating!). I thought that i had tried my best to protect my fragile baby.

SORE EYES
No matter how hard i tried, Allah is indeed the Ultimate Planner. He Knows Best. Adam had sore eyes on the 4th syawal. He got infected from my niece (so, please don't be selfish to celebrate raya when you or your kids are sick. Just stay at home and don't let the germs spread to others!!!). It does not end there, two days later, me too got infected and followed by abang two days later. How pathetic was that!! Maybe we both were too tired moving back to our house, thus our immune system were depleted. Sarah too was sick. She had fever for more than three days and was on antibiotics. Thanks to the doctor who gave abang 4 days mc, or else i would be dead! So, there goes our eid celebration. Surrounded by sarah's pukes and tantrums, while having red, itchy, and watery eyes. One week quarantine at home. Pretty amazing, right!!! Haha.

Alhamdulillah, we are getting better now. Adam too had just circumsized, and alhamdulillah the wound healing is pretty good. One week left before syawal ends. Hopefully we are fully recovered and can enjoy all the scrumptious foods during the open houses and kenduri this weekend. Allahumma ameen. :)

Monday, June 20, 2016

Welcome to the world, Adam Basheer!

Confinement, day 20.

Ahlan to the world my lil mujahid. Alhamdulillah thummal hamdulillah. I safely delivered my second child on 31st may 2016, 10.08pm @hospital serdang. We named him Adam Basheer. Alhamdulillah i managed to have a vbac this time. But i will only post my birth story later. Too much to be shared, and remembered for our future references.

As for now, i'm writing this post right after looking at the pics of my bubbly first daughter, sarah. I shed some tears looking at the pics of me, abang and sarah, spending our last moments upon the arrival of adam basheer. Yes, suddenly i feel so sorry that i have to split my attention to the newborn while struggling to manage the pain after the delivery. More tantrums than ever (attention seeking purposes), sometimes people around me just easliy called her 'nakal'. This really disheartened me. I tried very hard not to call her nakal no matter how irritating her behaviour can be. 'Nakal', 'nakai', 'naughty' are not positive words. It's du'a, peeps! And it doubles my disappoinment as i dont have much energy to take care of her by my own during this very fragile period.

Kakak sarah,

Please hang in there. Once this confinement period is over and ummi is perfectly healthy, we can go back to 'rumah kita'. Ummi and walid miss 'rumah kita' as much as you do. Ummi cant wait to re-potty train you and start back our homeschooling session. Ummi rindu nak berdua2 dengan sarah, nak masak, basuh baju, jemur baju and simply doing every single thing dengan sarah. Please behave and be a good, exampalary, solehah kakak to adam, ok? Things might not be the same after this, but ummi prays that it will become better and more joyful with the new addition in our family. InsyaAllah.

Till then, ummi, walid and adik adam love u; kakak sarah ♡

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Week 34!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Done with my title as a student at home mom. Alhamdulillah i finally graduated last october. Phewwww!!! After much tears  and sacrifices, i finally did it! Thank you all for the continuous help, support and du'a.

As i scrolled down my previous posts, i realize that i wrote much about sarah. But still nil post about 'adik sarah'. Yes, i am now counting the days for the baby to pop out! I'm now at 34th weeks. Too busy to settle in our new house at bandar seri putra and coping with the active sarah while carrying this baby has left me very limited time and energy to do anything else. And yes, i still stay at home, as some people call it, SURI UMMAH.

There are so much things that has been playing around in my mind lately. I want to write about almost everything. About how do i feel about this pregnancy, our previous family trip to lombok, my antenatal class at hospital serdang, my baking experience to sell brownies, sarah's educational and toilet training plan, etc. And the list goes on. I guess that i just have to take one small step to write about all that. I need to do a few adjustments to this blog so that i can easily post anything via my phone. Sarah will be too busy 'accompanying' me when i used my laptop. Till then. InsyaAllah we'll meet again soon, my dear blog.

And dear baby, please hang in there and grow healthily! Ummi still has lots of things to handle and prepare for your arrival. Ummi, walid and kakak sarah love u! ♡

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Sarah yang sukakan manusia

Enough with all the sighs and sadness. Let me share the joy and happiness that surrounds my life. Sarah has turn into 1 y.o last october. Active as always and she has this one very unique character - SARAH SUKAKAN MANUSIA!

We clearly noticed this during abangman's kenduri. She refused to sleep during the day and kept on 'greeting' the guests. Even her cousins (the hosts) were upstairs watching tv! She greeted almost everyone (but of course depending on her moods as well). I brought sarah to usrah for a few times, but all the usrahmates were 'entertained' by her as she came, stared, babbled, nodded in front of each person who speaks! Ya Rabb!! I couldn't stay still when i attended talks as she would be too busy greeting other kids or their moms.

She got this tudung after peeking a baby and her mom. The lovely ummi gave sarah this tudung to calm her down. Haha. Sarah oh sarah!

Daie perlu sukakan manusia
I cant remember where i read this quote. Sarah has taught me well and she reminds me of this. How can you preach and deliver da'wah if you don't even like people? It will come to the point that you may deliver the messages with the sense of hatred and belittling others. The key here is to spread the love. It's not the person that you should hate. It's their wrongdoings that we should hate. Thank you dear daughter for the wonderful lesson!



Motherhood

Dearest blog. I miss you terribly. I got too carried away with the negativity and decided not to jot down anything unless i am able to tune it to a more 'positive' tone. So, here i am. I've already submitted my full draft thesis and it is now being examined by an unknown reader. All i can do is pray. And i thought that things are going to be great after the submission. But i was wrong. It's a mess. Emotional breakdown here and there. Dilemmas and dilemmas again!

Realities of motherhood
I haven't been told about the unrelenting demands of motherhood. 24/7 responsibility that left no time for myself. I expected too much of being a perfect ummi and was hard on myself. Yeah, getting married, overwhelmed by the love for abang and sarah blew my mind; but the exhaustion and the sense that my life was somehow out of my control was quite a shock. It is no longer about me. It is a whole new world full of emotional highs and lows.


Running away!
Nope. I'm not planning to do any ridiculous act by far. The worst i did so far was to beg abang for allowing me to go to my sister's house (just for the sake of having the silly sissy chats - haha. I guess this is how i can ventilate my feelings now). I miss talking to kak marlina (dunno whether she still read this blog), but seriously i keep on reminiscing the moments we had gone through together.


Find my way back
I decided to write back at this blog after finish reading this book.



It somehow urges me to find my way back to the right path. Reminds me the needs to find the 'real' me. To end all the miseries that had been bothering my mind. Highly recommended to all.

As for now, am still learning to speak my mind. Ever since i decided to start writing, my mind keeps on composing words for every event happens. Will slowly learn how to drain the words into something that sounds optimistic and may it benefit me and all of us. Biiznillah, insyaAllah.