Free me

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” 
― Rumi

jumble kind of feelings.

insecurity has simply led me to live in this world full of cruelty and selfishness.

living with such doubts and fearfulness to the uncertainties invites more bad thoughts to come. how i wish it can be easily washed away.

i begin to feel like i'm losing control of my life. the question like 'who's actually in charge of my life?' popped out. and the fact that i'm working so hard to live up to people's expectation is a no-no solution to this issue.

i'm going to put all these into an end. 

and i'm going to do that by doing the hardest part of it all - FORGIVE myself.

please pray for me. whoever you are that happen to read this. 

a nanny's diary

irdina aishah - my first niece! was appointed as aishah's babysitter bermula selepas 2 minggu kelahiran si comel ini. yes, aishah masih merah, kecil, 'fragile' and because of that abgman dan k dibah tak berani lagi nak hantar aishah ke taska (as if aku pandai sangat jaga baby - cuak sangat. note: aishah jenis cepat tersedak bila minum susu). harini genap 22 hari aku jadi babysitter aishah. penat? haruslah. tapi worth it rasanya experience ni. 


feeding
aishah sangat kuat minum susu. baru 14 days, dah minum lebih 3 oz for each feeding (nanti nak share cara2 handle EBM (expressed breast milk) untuk babysitter yang amatur, like me). orang kata baby 2 weeks minum around 10 oz kat taska (8am- 5pm, waktu pejabat), tapi aishah pukul 12 noon, dah sampai 7 oz. siap kena request kat k dibah packing susu 3 oz, sebab 2 oz memang tak cukup, sampai kena lari2 mak (means lari laju) sebab aishah suka meraung vol 10 kalau tak cukup susu.


my wish
nak hafal more quranic verses (sangat jeles pada hafizah2 yang boleh bacakan ayat2 suci alQuran yang indah bila2 je kat anak diorang). kenapa kita kena lazimkan baca alQuran, zikir2, selawat, etc? sebab semua ni akan jadi habit kita. masa susukan baby, masa 'burp'kan baby, masa mandi, pakai baju, dodoi nak tidur, semua pun ibadah dan boleh tambah extra kredit kalau si ibu boleh bacakan ayat2 alQuran, selawat2, zikir, etc, pada si anak. so, waktu ni tak sempat dah nak fikir zikir mana best, selawat mana yg sesuai, ayat mana yang nak dibaca. semuanya spontan, automatik keluar ikut apa yang selalu kita amalkan. kurang amalkan zikir, kuranglah zikir yang terlintas kat hati dan pemikiran. anda belum berkahwin? jangan risau, Allah nak beri masa extra untuk siapkan diri upgrade all these things (trust me: nanti dah beranak-pinak, nak solat fardhu pun terkejar2). yang penting niatkan bukan sebab nak amalkan waktu susukan anak sahaja, tapi nak pastikan semua ni sebati dalam jasad dan rohani kita. supaya mengalir dalam setiap sel yang wujud dalam diri ini. insyaAllah.


ibu muda beranak 4
4 orang anak buah, semua dah merasa 'dijaga' ciyam. kebetulan last week, 7 hari, non-stop jaga those kiddos -yusuf, yasir, umar n aishah-. tak perasan, sampai mak yang tegur "wah, sampai tujuh hari jadi babysitter". my bad - having problem of saying no! anyhow, love those adorable kiddos very much! ciyam doakan semua membesar jadi insan beriman, soleh lagi musleh. hugs n kisses!

ever after: a bersih 3.0 story

alhamdulillah. i was there. completing the third chapter of my bersih story. so grateful that i was able to get involve in another epic of malaysian history. not having so many polices around had eased our journey to CM. ambiga was there to lead the crowd to dataran merdeka. i had a nice stroll at petaling street before that, watched floods of chinese people gathered with such enthusiasm, shared a packet of biscuits that i brought with a chinese elderly and had a quick photography session there. F and i bought yellow towels and even a mysterious guy handed me a yellow ribbon before he suddenly disappeared.

after zuhur prayer, we then marched towards dataran merdeka. the only challenges during that time was the extremely hot weather.  we couldn't go any more further because jalan tun perak had already been crammed with people. it was in fact a very peaceful and calm rally. the demonstrators had really "Duduk & Bantah", acted CIVILIZED enough (so far from what they called as 'monyet kena belacan').  one chinese man then shouted, "ambiga had announced that bersih 3.0 was successful. now everyone can peacefully disperse". so, we headed backwards, walking towards CM LRT station, before we bumped into mat sabu's crowd in front of maybank building. it was about to end, then i whiffed the tear gas. i ran but slowed down to look for F, my demo-mate. i heard she cried, "humm, pedih, pedih". i just put some salt into her mouth when she couldn't find hers and asked her to cover her nose and mouth with the wet towel, and grabbed her hand and continued to run. 


merciless!
i understand if the polices wanted to use teargas to disperse the crowd that was said to breach the dataran merdeka area (i was not anywhere near the provocation area, so i dare not to comment anything about it). but why on earth did they send the gas to jalan tun perak and others that the crowd had already on their way to disperse peacefully? shots after shots of teargas were bombarded to the people. despite all the chaotic things that occur, it was indeed a happy day - more like a carnival for the attendees. there will always be angels in disguise throughout the rally, sharing salts, water, handkerchiefs, and even consoled each other regardless of their races, ages and religions. 1 Malaysia? yes we are!


frustration
the mainstream media had never portrayed Bersih fairly. did they even interview any of the participants to hear their thoughts? none. and it seems so difficult to speak in an intelligent manner about this, because those who rule are not intelligent enough and too stroppy in dealing with this situation. plus, their premise stating that the participants support ambiga's LGBT movement is  so ridiculous. how did actually a rally that seek for an electoral reform had turned into a demonstration calling for LGBT rights?

i never wish to witness any violence nor riots, and i believe everyone wish the same. none of us happily and willingly attended the rally just to provoke the polices to let us inhale those teargas or to rain us with water canon; and thus making them look bad and let us be the heroes. can't they simply understand all that we want is a clean and fair election? not more or less. i still can't understand the fact of us being blamed and offended for asking this basic humanity rights. ~sigh~

huh!

ok. so i failed to fulfill my aim to write persistently. huhu. time flies so fast and i had a very tough time to catch up with everything. 'ala kulli hal, alhamdulillah for every kind of ni'mah bestowed upon me.

dreams!
this the project that i have to do for my anthropology subject. to be specific, it's about "senoi dream therapy". "senoi"? i bet most of you never heard about it right? hehe. senoi is basically one of the Orang Asli's tribe found in Malaysia. thus, i went to bukit kala, gombak to find out about this a few weeks back. i couldn't stop smiling, thinking how passionate dr alwi in persuading me to go here. hehe. am not going to talk much about it now, but later insyaAllah i'll post my comprehensive report about it (cewah! cita-cita tinggi. haha)

more and more projects
i spent 2 days of my midsemester break at iium montessori. collecting data for my mini project of "sharing behaviour among the children". alhamdulillah, done in collecting the data, but yet to finish the written report (ooopps! not even start a single paragraph yet. haha). another 2 articles to be reviewed, one mini project for stress management subject, and the list goes on. seems like i shouldn't waste any more time, but i ended up watching 'running man' if i  got stuck in the middle. *teruk teruk*

midsemester break
the holiday went well. i went to terengganu for my cousin's wed. entertained by yusuf n yasir throughout the journey (yusuf keeps on using the word 'encik' as i taught him during our drama play. he would go like saying "apa kabar, encik", "nak minum apa, encik". haha. fine! ciyam's fault. hehe. at least he learns how to address people nicely (skema yang lebih kot. ^_^). had gossips with the makciks (felt like i really have aged, though i'm the youngest among them). back from terengganu, i caught a flu, a perfect time as i was just about to begin running my projects the next day. huhu. in short, a well-spent holiday, alhamdulillah.

p/s: please pray for me, peeps! hope that everything will run smoothly and i'm able to bring out the best in me for everything, bi iznillah. till then, have a blessed life everyone!

i'm back

it has been a while. i'm now in my 3rd semester and have to struggle for my thesis in the next one. LOTs of major things happened in the past few months. and recently i fell over and sprained my ankle. yes, blame me for my clumsiness. hehe. feeling guilty to trouble others a lot, 'ala kulli hal, alhamdulillah for this test given by Allah.

lectures!

forgive me if i'm getting obsessed with my fav lecturers. got another class with dr burhan this semester and he still remember me. yeay! and get to know dr syed alwi in stress management class. the course really suits it's title. my eyes were filled with tears due to the joy and contentment i felt during the first lecture (as if my 'imaginary' depressive illness starts to subside). lol. i took another independent study with him for my anthropology subject (influenced by the movie, Nanny Diaries!. haha). hopefully Allah will ease and bless my knowledge-seeking journey throughout this semester. ameen.

kiddos!

some updates about my three lil musketeers (yusuf, yasir n umar). yusuf enrolled into little caliph kindergarten this year and now he can recognized phonics characters n memorize solah's recitation (though he usually perform facing the other way around from the real qiblah. hehe). yasir, sometimes throw his tantrum but yet his 'cheeky' face is always charming. whilst, umar is still struggling in his walking lesson and tries to catch up to his other cousins. go, umar, go! ^_^

really need to organize my life accordingly. have yet to finish my proposal for child psychology subject. sometimes this perfectionism attitude almost kills me. till then. have a productive life, everybody!

p/s: aiming to write persistently. will share something that keeps on bordering my mind lately with all of you, soon. ^_^

eidul mubarak!

Eidul mubarak to all!

i read back the old post that i have on this event (note: Labbaikallahumma labbaik). yes, it was about the supplications that we should prioritize in our lives. somehow, it really struck my emotions. sometimes i just got too carried away with my worldly life that i forget my ultimate aim should be to get the blessings of Allah.

eidul adha is supposed to remind us all to grasp the true meaning of it - which is to SACRIFICE. and one will never reach this level of sacrifice, until he/she knows how and what to GIVE.

"when you begin to give others the things you want for yourself, you have really understood the power of giving" (Jamal & McKinnon, 2008).

try this
there was a time that i was so distressed, felt like everything is too much to be swallowed. tension was running up high. apart from ventilating my emotions to nony n bah, i tried to do something different on that day.

so i began my day, walking out from my room with basmalah. then, i forced myself to smile. it seemed pretty tough, though they say it only takes a few muscles to work if you smile. then, i started to give salam and smile to whomever i met (regardless whether i know them or not) along the way until i reached to my class.

guess what? when i arrived there, i felt like tonnes of my problems have been lifted away from my chest. a complete serene feeling that i thought i will not experience on that day. as people answered to my salam and smiled back at me (note: not all did smile back at me. some even have that weird kind of face, as if saying "do i know u?"); i looked at their face, and imagined as if they were saying all sorts of motivating words to me, "don't be sad", "cheer up, girl!", etc. it feels like the whole world is comforting me, and say, "hey, life is not that bad. be positive!". all these, only by seeing them smile back to me and answered my salam. hihihi.

so that's how i learn the power of giving salam and smile. what i wanted from others on that day was simply some motivations and encouragement. so, instead of waiting and asking others for it, i received what i wanted in a peculiar but very effective way; which is to GIVE.

Everyone can give something. Even if you can't give money or material objects, you can give time, knowledge, wisdom, skills, leadership, attention, touch, advice, hope, laughter or love. just name it. let us all sacrifice with every means that we are capable of; only in the name of Allah. may Allah bless us all. ^_^

p/s: i met my fellow undergrad coursemates yesterday - didy, rif n fos. i actually had a zest of meeting these 3 wonderful ladies compared to discussing the issues in the meeting. i was really touched; as by Allah's will; we managed to perform zuhur prayer and even takbeer together with the imam. Alhamdulillah, what a bliss!

living in history...

history derives from many perspectives. it is actually the accumulation of many 'his-story's. Bersih 2.0 was indeed a historical event. some may don't even bother about it. some may stay at home, cursing the protesters for all the chaotic situations that occurred (regardless who created them in the first place). some may be there, marching along with the participants, witnessing what actually happened and treasuring all the values they learnt throughout the rally.

my story

so, i was there. arrived early enough but i already smelt something familiar -tear gas!- my friends and i hustled towards an alley, stopped by a stall operated by a few indonesian women; whom gave a very warm welcome while repeating their slogans, "malaysia boleh! malaysia aman!"

it was already around 10 am, and i didn't want to waste any more energy walking around as to avoid the cops. some of my friends had already been arrested! my friend, A; and i decided to stay at petaling street. a middle-aged, chinese man then approached us. "bagus.. bagus... anak-anak muda sudah berani!". i just smiled back at him. around 12 noon, out of a sudden, a crowd is formed around us; and i saw another crowd was moving towards us at the opposite of the road. owh, it had begun! we marched peacefully towards jalan hang tuah back and forth, until the crowd finally marched towards a larger crowd in front of Maybank building.

the climax

dr hatta was giving the speech. i had fun watching others got ecstatic. not long after that, i heard the siren, the police fired up and the tear gas canister was so close to us and i was suddenly surrounded by heavy smoke. i ran but almost trapped when a guy in front of me suddenly stopped at the narrow path. "gerak, gerak," i yelled while swallowing the fumes. i can barely see, but luckily i spotted A. with shivering hands and still gasping for air, i took out some salt and put them in my mouth. A, unable to find hers, she swiped some that left at my lips and hands and put them in her mouth. the fumes was getting worst. A then grabbed my hand and we climbed up the stairs nearby. almost suffocated, i exhaled deeply. i thought i almost died, that i recited syahadah repeatedly. saliva coming out from my mouth, mucous running out from my nose. this is the worst tear-gassed experience i had so far.

we found a running tap water at the hill slope, where the guys had their ablution to perform zuhur prayer. i wet my handkerchief and took ablution as well. not long after that, another siren. tear gas again! A and i ran, helped by a few gentlemen to pass through the narrow fence. our running speed was not that excellent as i felt my throat and stomach were still burning with the acid gas. we decided to find shelter at the nearest building and i saw some people rushed into a motel (A first thought it was a temple!). like a drama queen, i waved and begged, "please, please!". "hurry up!", an indian guy waited for us to come in before he locked up the gate. i was quite surprised to see that most of the 'refugees' there were males. they offered us to sit but kindly i insisted to perform my solah first.

the rain was pouring heavily. another shot of tear gas was being launched. the indian worker led us to the back of the building, offering salt and asked us to wash our face with the running tap water. as the police passed through the building, he even asked us to hide. we thanked him so much and bought two bottles of mineral water before leaving. he showed us thumbs up sign and waved us goodbye.

truly 1 Malaysia

the rally was so moving and i believe each participants can feel how people really looked after one another throughout the rally, despite of different religions, races and ages. i witnessed: a guy tore up his towel into two to share another half with a stranger; strangers offering salt to me and A to counteract the tear gas effect; strangers helping us at the motel; someone always stepped up ensuring the panicked run doesn't turn into a stampede. i feel very safe in the crowd. trust me, you can hear these kind of kindness act from every single marchers. congrats najib! your 1 Malaysia concept was instead practiced by your own opponents. at least you preach on something which is good.

inhumane!

i cried when i watched the video of those who were being tear gassed and trapped in kl central. i cried when i watched in tv najib insulting anwar lying in pain after being tear gassed (i would probably feel the same if najib was in his place). i cried when i watched the video of the man having a seizure attack while his hands were still tied. those who attended the rally knows exactly how horrible it feels watching all these. i cannot even bear to hear nasty and mean things said about the man who died after being tear gassed. this is very inhumane! what kind of violence did the protesters created? is it logical for the cops to heartlessly showered water canon and tear gas to the people that had yellow flowers, bananas, yellow t-shirts as their weapons? it's not a rocket science to understand something that we call as humanity.

these protesters acted civilized enough not to destroy property or hurt one another. several got hurts and one died but the participants did not cause them. even the restaurants and shops that dared enough to operate actually benefits a lot on that day. i feel sorry for the shattered newly wed couples when guests did not turn up, but who in the first place did all the road blocks and scaring all not to go out on that day?

different worldview

if the government in the first place understands the psychology of people having different worldviews, i don't think Bersih 2.0 will turn out this way. a simple thing like - giving RESPECT to others' views which is different from yours; is the key to worldwide peace. others may have different view on this, but that is his story. i'm proud that i'm a part of the history. 10 or 20 years to come, people may write this event in our history textbook. and by that time, i can proudly relating MY-story to my grandchildren or other youths. at least i have my own stand and my own story. do you?

enjoy this poem by A. Samad Said