Iqra'!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Hi blog! I terribly miss you.  It's my avidity to share my current reading that has brought me the urge to write here.  Haha. 

Dunia Tanpa Tembok by Ayman Rashdan Wong
Alhamdulillah.  This is my third book for this month.  I too am amazed that I managed to finish read all those three.  Haha.  The new planner does help! I wrote down all the book titles that i wish to read, and voila! It just happened!

Back to the book.  Initially,  i thought this is going to be a light reading.  However, it is not! There are times that i have to re- read the phrases all over again,  just to understand all those International Relation (IR) /political jargons - idealist,  realist,  balance of power,  national interest,  geopolitics,  etc.

What i gained after reading this book?
It has given me a whole new perspective to all those wars,  historical events in the past; the reasons behind it.  Why does it happened?  If you keep on questioning; Why does the middle east conflicts never subside? Can't they just live in peace? Why the USA, Russia,  China always in the  picture of any worldly affairs? Is it true that the USA really upheld the Zionists' agendas? Is it wrong to have this 'semangat kemelayuan'?  Then,  read this book. I feel so much at ease after reading it.  😊😊

The title really suits the whole content.  DUNIA TANPA TEMBOK - from Malaysia to the global geopolitics.

A few days back,  i watched a national georaphic series -  inside syria's deadly dynasty.  The film shows the story of the family of Assad and how the family have shaped the political arena of Syria and presumed to be the cause for the disastrous conflicts that occur in Syria.  After Hafez al Assad died,  it was suppossed to be Bashar's brother,  Bassel to take over the throne.  However,  Bassel died in an accident and Bashar has to take over.  He was an ophtalmologist,  still studying in the UK, went back to Syria and took over the throne. Though the film continuously bashing Bashar's cruel attack on the people of Syria, a few questions just popped in my mind -  Why didn't they ask Bashar why he did that? How come a gentle ophtalmologist who feel good after making someone's eyesight better turns into such a person? - he does not even have those military or political background before that.  What are the things that he protects so much that he is willing to commit such brutality?

Reading Dunia Tanpa Tembok does not answer to this clearly.  It explains how in the first place the war occured. What actually triggers the lost 'balance of powers'  in Syria.  I really love the author's reflection on the Syria's political crisis,
"Syria sepatutnya dijadikan pengajaran kepada kita supaya jangan melampaui batasan dalam berpolitik, menjaga adab sebagai pemimpin dan adab sebagai rakyat".

In short,  read this book,  peeps!  You won't regret it.  Though i still believe reading one or two books doesn't give you credits to make scholarly comments on something.  But,  at least, reading this will help your own intellectual growth in this area of international relation.  😊

Pheww.  A very long post! 😅😅😅.  Hope to find another book that can spark my joy! Haha (Marie Kondo sangat😊)

Homesickness!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Quite a longgggggg hiatus. Rasa macam sesak nafas lately. Homesick! Rindu nak balik bangi. Rindu masakan mak; rindu nak gelak pecah perut, ber-aku-kau, merapu meraban dengan iqah, rindu nak kakla belanja makan. rindu semuaaaaaaa yang kat bangi tu!!!!!

Rasa macam dah busy habis dengan urusan rumah, so konon-konon boleh lah get rid of this feeling. Tapi, masih tak berjaya. Bila termenung sambil tidurkan adam, mulalah merewang kepala teringat kat mak. Even tengah masak pun boleh monologue, "bilalah boleh balik bangi", (btw, abang tengah tunggu tarikh untuk taklimat biasiswa phd. So until then, tak boleh nak set up tarikh untuk balik bangi lagi). And this is killing me!

Berjaya dah dua kali masak lauk ber'sengek' sebab teringat kat mak. Balik dari rumah makngah haritu pun, siap nangis sebab teringat kat mak (somehow her character reminds me of mak). Urggghhhh!

Orang kata, lepas jadi emak, baru kita akan faham dan lebih sayang pada mak kita. So, it's true. Your mom's advice has now become the new bible. Haha. Semua benda nak report, semua benda pun nak tanya.

Lupa nak update. Now, we are in Perlis. Abang kena transfer (baca: minta tukar) since september 2018. Tapi baru je dapat offer scholarship untuk sambung phD. So, insyaAllah akan pindah semula ke klang valley around september depan ni. Yeay! (I love perlis. Tapi tak tahan lah duduk jauh dari ketiak mak. Haha. Pardon me).

Maka, sesiapa yang duduk dekat dengan ibubapa tu, bersyukurlah. Lagi banyaklah peluang yang ada untuk mengejar pahala insyaAllah. Anak-anak, update next post insyaAllah. :)

Eid mubarak!

Eid mubarak to all!

I did not feel i'm truly success for the past ramadhan. At times, i just feel so weak that i have to break my fast, and use the rukhsah that has been bestowed upon breastfeeding mums. Guilty, yes! But i have to. I need to survive for kids. And if i can apply rukhsah for salah, then why not for fasting? But some people just don't get it. Laughing when they knew i couldnt make it on time to qadha my last year's fasting. And giggle again when they knew i didnt complete one month of fasting not because of menses.

I miss bangi
We went back to kedah for eid 5 days earlier, and since there will be kenduri on the 3rd syawal, we will only go back to bangi on the 4th. Redha? Yes, trying to. But i couldnt help for feeling sad, missing my mak and to have those silly sissy chats with my siblings. And a few incidents on the 1st day of syawal makes me want to fly back to bangi on the dot. Huhuhuhu

Overly reacted ummi???
I just dont know. I still cannot write what happened that makes me feel like such. Maybe one day i will jot down in here. But, in short. Please. Whoever you are. Whenever you want to bring someone else's kid/s, INFORM their parents first. Be a responsible and thoughtful adult. Just because I know how clumsy my daughter is.

May Allah bless me with serenity. Still cannot move on with what had happened.

No raya picture for this post. Not in the mood.

#cepatlah boleh balik bangi

Bersyukurlah

Sarah tak berapa sihat harini. Batuk dan selsema sejak malam tadi. Tak terkira berapa kali dia bangun menjerit nangis2 sebab tak selesa. Adam pun siap bangun sekali bila kakak dia nangis. Ummi tersepit kat tengah2, dihimpit dua anak yang meragam. Konfius sangat, taktau nak pujuk yang mana dulu.

Kurangnya sabar si ummi
Abang pulak ke melaka harini, kena bawak kereta. Sarah tak pergi sekolah. Bila kakak sarah kat rumah, adam pun tidur cak2 je. Bila tak cukup tidur, mulalah meragam nak berdukung saja. Kakak pulak tiba2 harini jadi macam2 ragam asyik mintak makanan yang for surely ummi tak kasi (sejuk2, berminyak, dan benda2 boleh induce lg byk kahak). Bila tak bagi, meraung satu alam. Allahu Rabbi.

Kakak sarah tak terkira berapa kali kena marah. Last sekali dia kena marah i.e. bebel dengan ummi tadi, sarah kata "sorry, ummi. Lain kali sarah tak buat dah". Lepas tepuk2 sikit, akhirnya sarah tidur. Sambil susukan adam, ummi pun scroll fb sekejap. Terbaca satu post dari one dear senior masa kat kisas dulu.

Anak first dia didiagnose ada GDD, anak second ada dyslexia, and anak bongsu pun doc diagnose ada GDD. Tapi dia positif sangat. In fact, willing to share dengan public pasal family dia in a very informative and positive tone. Ma Sya Allah. Tabarakallah, kak salwa. May Allah bless her. Insaf sangat lepas baca tu.

Ummi yang sarah baca terbalik ba dengan da pun ummi dah start nak pusing2 biji mata. Just imagine that lady berusaha ajar anak dia baca dari umur 4 tahun sampai 7 tahun, tapi still tak berjaya. Astaghfirullah. Anak bongsu dia umur 2 tahun lebih baru boleh jalan, yang ummi ni adam sebelas bulan belum jalan, dah konfius2 "adam ok tak agaknya ??". How ungrateful i am! Astaghfirullah!!!!! Rasa nak menjerit geram kat diri sendiri sebab kurang bersyukur.

Anak-anak sihat, semua tu nikmat. Even anak2 tu sendiri adalah nikmat, rahmat yang sebenarnya ujian untuk ibubapa. Bersyukur tak kita as parents? Kadang2 lupa (most of the time memang lupa) Allah bagi anak2 yang senang diurus tu ujian, kesusahan untuk mengurus anak2 pun sama jugak ujian. This is a major reminder for me. Whatever it is yang Allah bagi, be it susah atau senang, bersyukurlah. Keep calm and be positive. Dah lama tak guna mantra, "SAYA BERSYUKUR, TENANG DAN BAHAGIA". Allah pasti bagi jalan keluar pada hambaNya yang meminta.

Ummi mintak maaf, anak2. I'm still struggling to be a better ummi for both of you. Semoga Allah redha dengan segala usaha ummi, dan Allah pandu segala perbuatan, emosi dan pemikiran ummi & walid dalam membesarkan kalian. May Allah ease and bless.

Sarah's first day @ school

Finally, after much questions from sarah, 'bila sarah nak sekolah?', 'kenapa sarah tak sekolah?'; ummi and walid decided to enroll sarah into little caliph bandar seri putra. Why not pasti? Pasti yang dekat dengan rumah dah penuh. Yang satu lagi jauh, and quite mencabar untuk ummi yang dah 4 tahun tak memandu ni. Huhu.

First day
Tak susah nak bangunkan sarah. Sebut sekolah je terus mata dia celik. Sehari sebelum dah siap beli helmet pink. Tapi sebab hari hujan pagi ni, dan ummi pun menyibuk nak fefeeling hantar sarah, kena naik kereta. Ummi beria nak turun hantar sarah, so walid stay dalam kereta pegang adam. Masuk je tadika, ada this one little boy tengah meraung. Sarah terus jadi takut. Tapi pujuk dia ambil gambar dulu, and slowly bawak dia ke teacher. Teacher terus guide bawak masuk dalam. Ummi ter'paksa rela' tinggalkan sarah dan bermulalah episod melodramatik ummi tanpa sarah di rumah.

Adam dan ummi
The first day was not so bad. Sebab walid ambil cuti! Hehehe. Siap pergi cs beli barang rumah pagi tu dan pergi tesco pulak lepas ambil sarah. Walid siap day off sebab nak escort ummi, tengok ummi bawak kereta sorang-sorang masa ambil sarah. Not alone actually. With adam at the back, tolong buat backgound sound setiap kali ambil kakak. Huhu

We miss u, kakak sarah!
Bukan adam je yang tercari-cari kakak sarah, ummi pun sama! Haha. Asyik buat ayat syahdu je setiap kali buka tv. Dah terbiasa tengok kartun dengan sarah pagi-pagi. But now, rumah senyap je T_T. move on please, ummi. Haha. Oklah. Ummi pun syukur sangat dengar feedback daripada teacher, kata sarah ok sangat. Siap komen kata sarah boleh tahan talkative. Huhu. Ummi doakan sarah gembira, berjumpa dan berkawan dengan rakan-rakan yang baik, dan belajar banyak perkara bermanfaat kat sekolah. Bittaufiq wannajah, kakak sarah! Semoga di dalam jagaan Allah selalu. ♡♡♡♡

I wonder...

When abang is not around...

It's super duper exhausting. I tried to do stuffs that used to make me happy and content; but it doesn't work like it used to.

When baking in hustle and handling your active toddler and super clingy baby, then it is no longer enjoyable. As you finally have a dish, it is more towards a RELIEF actually.

When reading a book while nursing, then your toddler came and snatched the book and asked you to read her another book, then reading is no longer enjoyable. Your curiosity of what happened in the end of the book will slowly and finally fade away.

Then, i found out the only thing that i ever  need is a beauty sleep. Hahaha. Not baking nor reading. And then i realize that i will never get those beauty sleeps! Not when these kids are around. Huhu. How i envy abang when he went for outstations.

The guilt then slowly approaching me. I should be thankful to feel such exhaustion, as a remark that i am blessed with a great husband and two lovely kids that i have to deal with. Alhamdulillah for these blessings.

But please allow me to whine. I just think that i need to ventilate my feelings. Sometimes it's just too suffocating. I don't think sharing all these through fb, or any other current social media would help. I just cannot handle the judgements, harsh comments and all other evil thoughts and mouth.

I have been bothered by the thought of whether or not i have become a good being so far. Am i a good wife? Am i a good mom? Did i perform well as an 'abd? Did my solah being accepted (i doubt if i ever reach that khusyu' when adam cried, or sarah teased her brother or even pulled my telekung when i am alone with them)?  Am i prepared to face death? What kind of kindness or any kind of 'amal jariah have i done? Am i just a grumpy wife who nags most of the time and easily feel lethargic? Am i sinful for sometimes failed to control my temper to my kids?

For all these thoughts, i feel quite depressed and unsure how to define myself. Am i feeling contented? Am i happy? What is happiness?

Hmmm. And that is why i took a long time to write any post lately. This aint a postive post. Huhu. Whoever that came accross to read this, please pray that khamisah will feel more content and serene insyaAllah.

Potty training_sarah ibtisam

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim....

So here i am again. Feeling the urge to write so that i won't forget. Alhamdulillah, sarah dah berjaya di potty trained! After googling here and there to find some tips, solat hajat khas mohon supaya Allah mudahkan (yes, ummi was too nervous to begin!), alhamdulillah she did it! And amazingly, it was a great success, i.e. zero 'accident' on the first day! Bravo, kakak sarah!

What did i do?

1. Simpan semua karpet@ tikar
Masa ni tengah viral pasal tikar racun (tikar rm10 yang banyak jual kat nilai 3), so terbatal lah niat nak guna tikar tu as alas masa sarah main. Guna alas cadar patchwork je sebab kesian pulak lantai sejuk.

2. Stress free (mom & child)
Sangatlah penting. Banyak kali pending and defer nak start, esp bila sarah tak berapa sihat or adam pun tak sihat or aku sendiri yang kepenatan atau tak sihat. So, it took a while to find that 'right time'. Sarah siap protes kencing terabur masa dia tengah jiwa kacau sebelum bersalinkan adam. So, i decided to stop because she was just not ready. I started again when adam was about 2 months old. 'Accidents' do happen. Sebab tu kena ensure tak stress atau letih yang teramat supaya boleh lap kencing anak dengan perasaan redha sambil tersenyum.

3. Timing and constant reminder
Tak berhenti remind sarah, "kalau sarah nak kencing atau berak cakap ya". Awal tu, aku timing sarah ke toilet sejam sekali. Eg, kalau dia minum susu/air pukul 10am, pukul 11am ajak dia g toilet untuk kencing. Tak berjaya, so di extend ke dua jam. Depends. Kalau cuaca sejuk, hari hujan, maybe less than that. Bab timing ni depends pada bladder anak. Some boleh tahan kencing lama, some tak berapa boleh nak tahan lama. So, as a start, boleh cuba 30 min, or 45min sekali.

4. Underwear
Sehari sebelum start, aku ajak abang bawak sarah pergi shopping panties dia. Biar dia pilih sendiri. Bagi options and we let her made the decision. Tak perlu yang mahal pun. Kat giant boleh dapat rm10 for 3 pieces yang cantik dan kain sedap. Kenapa kena pakai panties, sebab anak akan mudah geli bila tak pakai diaper. So bila geli tu asyik nak terkencing je rasa.

5. Positive reinforcemnt
Buat satu chart (macam gambar di bawah). Buat column ikut hari dalam seminggu. Tampal kat fridge. Beli sticker cantik (in my case, sarah suka anything pinky, yang heart shaped). I told her, "kalau sarah berjaya kencing atau berak kat toilet, sarah boleh tampal satu sticker ni kat chart sarah ni." Setiap kali lepas dia 'berjaya', dia pilih sendiri sticker yg mana, and dia tampal.

6. Toilet cover for children and stool (kerusi bukan tahi. Hehe)
Kalau guna toilet duduk. Toilet cangkung tak perlu. Awal2 tu gigih juga nak angkat sarah duduk atas toilet, tapi dengan adam lagi, abang pun belikan stool. Dia naik sendiri lepas tu, kami tolong buka pintu toilet je.

7. Nap/sleep time
Masa sarah tidur siang, dia tak pakai diaper. Just ensure dia kencing dulu sebelum tidur. Kalau tak sempat bawak dia dah tidur, alas siap2 tempat dia tidur. Awal2 nak train, sarah siap terkencing masa nap. Dia bangun tu dia nangis, maybe sebab kecewa tak 'berjaya'. Huhu. Lama2 dia pandai dah control kencing. Siap bangun mamai2 nangis, so ummi boleh detect dia nak ke toilet n cepat2 tolong bawak dia. Malam still pakai diaper (alasan: sebab tak beli lagi bedsheet yang waterproof. Haha), tapi biasanya bangun pagi kering je diaper dia.

8. Solat hajat.
Huhu. Ummi siap solat hajat tau. Doa je pun takpe. Tapi sebab ummi was wayyyyy too nervous, solatlah mohon pada Allah semoga dipermudahkan. Kalau harap pada kudrat and strategi sahaja, i don't think i can manage. Allah is indeed The One that make it easy and smooth, and i am very thankful for that.

It was a wonderful experience. Tak tahu nak explain the satisfaction i felt. Rasa macam menang pingat emas olimpik setiap kali dia 'berjaya' (yes, ummi memang over! Haha). Thank you sarah for your cooperation! ❤